Reply To: Ask “Al Barqan”

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Hans Hellinger

I donned the Cloak, O Father of Wonders, but I had a hell of a time finding the billing department (the second floor is being renovated, apparently because of asbestos). Hardly anyone was there. The atmosphere was one of desolation and I could easily have been convinced that the building existed in a forgotten cul-de-sac in the Plane of Shadow. Turns out billing had been temporarily relocated to the break area, where I found two middle aged women of sallow complexion and melancholic humor eating Funyuns and gossiping about Steve in Stormwater and Runoff, who is apparently having an affair with Deedee in Maintenance. To top it all off I got a ticket for parking in the Employee of the Month spot, and when I burned the cloak I didn’t hear the expected wailing and lamentation from the spirits, just a low chuckle. Am I going to have to deal with an Invisible Stalker as well as an unjustly high water bill?

Do not fear mortal, to suffer two such curses simultaneously is not to be your fate at least until the next moon, after that I could not be certain without casting your horoscope, which though a small effort is not necessary.

You did well in your espionage, but because you have the wit of a Mandrill Baboon you did not grasp the meaning of the words which were spoken. “Dee Dee” is a well known Ismaili euphemism for “I-Hima bint I-Hima” (الهمة بنت الهمة – “sorrow daughter of sorrow”) that is to say my frenemy and ex-girlfriend, the terrible Jinn Tabi’ah, also known as Al-Qarinah, who has three names and ten more names.

“Steve” in Stormwater and Runoff is obviously the Jinn Zawba’ah (known as “cyclone”) who is also said to be a Div. He is the father of whirlwinds and sudden tumults, though in truth he is too lazy to foment great evil. It is Al-Qarinah who is calling the shots here.

The chuckling you heard was a Qareen, a double who has been dispatched by Tabi’ah to push you to do evil things and disobey Allah. She may also accompany this with a visitation from bears or lions.

But fear not! First of all the Mandrill is an order of magnitude more clever than the Chacma baboon let alone the Olive baboon, which is known for it’s filth. Second, you have been wise to seek my council and I shall now assist you in your plight. Obey my every word and you will be free of all curses and maledictions.

1) You must acquire a Tunisian metter of Oud perfume, placed inside a sandalwood barrel with my seal engraved on each end, and then coated with blue woad.

2) Wait until the next New Moon, and during the hour of Mercury, take the Oud to the blue house north of your own domicile. These people are adherents of my cult. Place the barrel on their front porch and flee. This will secure your payment to me.

3) Fashion an apotropaic shield of brass with my own terrible visage and seal inscribed upon it.

4) Then adorn each of your shoes with the Seal of Solomon. Create a copper ring inscribed with the seal of the angel Sammael to wear on the second finger of your right hand, and suffumigate both with the smoke of benzoin and saffron.

5) You must prepare the Curse of Ba’al Zevûv to discomfit Tabi’ah, whose sin is wrath, and prepare The Terrible Restraint of Rabam to forestall her other cultists.

6) On night the day of Saturn, in the hour of Mars, you must purify your spirit with the charm of the Dark Candescence. Gird yourself with Circe’s Mantle of Stealth, as this should be sufficient to conceal you and it is unwise to invoke Firiel twice in the same year. Using the charm of Circe, sneak onto the town morgue and obtain the heart of a deceased criminal. Approach the compound of water, and bury the dead mans heart just outside the gates of the dreaded Water Resources Department.

7) Then cross the threshold into the compound. Tabi’ah is vigilant, and she will confront you immediately. Speak her name and the terrible words of the incantation, and a swarm of flies will plague her. Do not tarry to behold her fate, but enter her temple where you will find her disciples chanting evil hymns. If Zawba’ah appears, show him the seal of Samael and he will retire. Cast the Terrible Restraint of Rabam on the cultists, and then order them to follow you to their doom.

8) Lead the entire procession to the blue house, and take them into the back yard, where you will be greeted by 5 bears. The bears will take them to my Castle of Gold within the city of Carnelian, where I shall visit upon them terrible suffering, and determine why your water bill was so high.