Reply To: Ask “Al Barqan”

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Hans Hellinger


First, I must inquire as to where you received your training? Are you in the OTO or something? Or perhaps, a self styled “vampire”? Or were you actually trained by a pack of Mandril Baboons?

Nevermind. I must congratulate you on one thing, you are an unusual person William. It has been 1,300 years since I have encountered a fool so great as you. If you survive your current predicament I will tell you the tale of that unfortunate man.

Let Dominus take note, I Barqan, called “Two Lightnings” and “Father of Wonders”, am in full compliance with our agreement and by the searing fire which flickers in the night, and by the bright sword of my nemesis, the angel Michael, I have followed the agreement and the nature of my compulsion. I gave this fool good counsel. I cannot be responsible for the state of the education system in this late era and this uncouth foreign land. When one tells a man how to steal a camel, must one say where to put your hand on the reigns and which foot to put in the stirrup? Call upon a lesser being than I for such trivialities as how to cast Circe’s Mantle of Stealth.

Enough of that. Let it not be said that Barqan is consumed by pettiness or easily startled. My last comment on the nature of this debacle is that the type of evil of your era does not suit me. It is like a weak tea which does not quench the thirst.

Let us return to the facts of the situation.

FIRST, I have interrogated your prisoners and determined that you have made a series of terrible mistakes. They are not cultists in the service of Tabi’ah after all. When you perceived this security guard, Toby Millard, did you not check his body for the seal of Tabi’ah before unleashing the terrible curse of Ba’al al Zevûv? Did you not behold his visage? Did he have “molar teeth like the tusks of an elephant, hair like leaves of palm trees, smoke emanating from her nose, a voice like thunder and eyes like lightning?”

Obviously you did not. It is only the coincidence that Ba’al decided that “Toby Millard” was close enough to “Tabi’ah” and that he did indeed indulge the sin of wrath, and therefore that the spell did apply to him and did not backfire onto your own cursed head.

SECOND, the man you slew in the coroners office of the City of Ash was a medical resident named Clifford Simons, who was apparently a very evil man. Again, this is incredible luck on your part.

An Irish Faerie once told me that the Christian God watches out for “Fools and Drunks”, were you drunk? If not, I would meditate upon this.

THIRD, having tortured several of these unfortunates, I finally found one, Jesse Spencer, who had some degree of wit. You should hope that he does not ever get wind of the origins of his suffering, because if he were trained in the Ars Esoterica he would certainly be your swift undoing. Under stimulus of the threat of immersion in a pool of liquid brass, and after a trying ordeal during which we had internet beamed to the City of Carnelian through an aperture in the Material Plane (if you think your water department is infuriating you should try dealing with Sky Abu Dabi)… Mr. Spencer was able to determine the cause of your increased water bill. It seems that you installed an old, high flush rate toilet which flushes 5 gallons instead of the now mandated 2.5. With the help of a Marid I sent to your home I was also able to determine that a homeless person named Jeff who suffers from Crohns disease has been sneaking into your basement, taking showers and repeatedly excreting enormous bowel movements into your new toilet. Jeff by the way no longer suffers from anything so you needn’t worry about that.

FOURTH You will be happy to know that this incident has not been an entire tragedy. Though my cultists were forced to abandon the blue house before the arrival of the police, with the help of Mr. Spencer I have now been able to acquire a large quantity of Bitcoin, which I have already used to purchase a barque full of sapphires. So you do not owe me any further debt.

FIFTH What do you expect me to do with this child? What do you take me for, an Ottoman? What need do I have of ‘parts’? I command five hill-strongholds each with five hundred thousand Marids. The child has been left at a homeless shelter in the City of Ash. He has sworn to take revenge against you and he is another who you must hope will never learn your name.

SIXTH You have wrought a great evil William. In accordance with my compelled agreement here I recommend that you first take immediate steps to escape, as the police will soon be at your home. Perhaps use the Directional Confusion of Marcus Greacus. Then if you follow the Latin rite you should Confess to a priest and perform whatever acts of contrition he recommends. Finally, I would recommend learning a great deal more and practicing such basic skills as literacy in ancient Greek and basic lateen metalworking for a lengthy period. Perhaps, if you can manage it, retire to the Philosopher’s Cottage for a period of several years.

I Barqan, have spoken.